Now That Was a Good Confrontation
I was recently confronted by someone who did such a good job of it that I just have to share what an enjoyable experience it was. I was recently involved in making a leadership decision that wasn’t universally loved in my church. When she received the news, it unsettled her and her husband. She did several things that I thought was wise:
1. She mulled over the news for a few days. She lived with the decision and processed it before taking any action. She didn’t call anyone and she didn’t gossip. She and her husband turned the leadership initiative over in their minds until the initial wave of emotion passed. They still didn’t like the idea.
2. She asked for a face-to-face meeting: Email is a lousy medium to deal with sensitive issues. Facebook is worse. Electronic media strips away non-verbal communication and makes understanding difficult.
3. She arrived prepared: We sat down to meet and she produced three pages of statements she wanted to make and questions she wanted to ask. She wanted to be understood and she wanted understanding. She knew what needed to happen in order for this to be a successful encounter in her mind.
4. She spoke objectively: She opened the meeting discussing by making some observations. The decision I and others made did have some negative impact in the minds of some. She laid that impact on the table without exaggeration or drama.
5. She didn’t attribute motives: One of the most common mistakes I see made in conflict is the assumption that we assume we know why the other person did what they did. When I don’t like someone’s point of view I might question their common sense, intelligence, or even the quality of that person’s spirituality. My confronter did none of those things. She didn’t pretend to know my motives, she simply asked me to explain them. I didn’t feel judged or censured. This was refreshing after receiving some emails from people who were telling me what dark motivations were driving me.
6. She asked a brilliant question: “Is there anything you would have done differently if you could have that decision back again?” She safe it safe to admit mistakes and to disclose what I might have learned from the process.
I don’t think anybody really likes confrontation. But what sort of things disarm you as you are on the receiving end of a disagreement?
Great article and kudos to you for not only responding well but being transparent enough to post it here on your website. On a totally unrelated note, I was wondering what Mike Tyson was doing in his post-boxing days – now I see he was busy designing your WordPress theme.
and everyone wants to know what change you made! (or maybe just me…)
If I get into all that then the topic changes to “the merits of this particular change” and not “the awesomeness of Mrs. X’s confrontation.
I agree the most with your last statement: nobody likes confrontation. And I think your post is great, great stuff to pass along to any leadership team (or leader) on the “method” of resolving conflict. I’ll say the number one most difficult thing for me with leadership conflict in particular is getting defensive. Either I do it, or the other person does it. I’ve had a lot of great conflicts, too, but what I mean is this… I worked briefly in sales at a national electronics retailer in Houston. If someone didn’t buy the product, I didn’t really care. I wasn’t working on commission, and all of the stuff we sold were luxuries; i.e. not necessary to sustain living.
But now I’m “selling” things that I firmly believe in all the time: namely ideas. Except, real changes happen when those ideas are decided upon. And people’s lives are affected.
What “arms” me in conflict is the C word: control. When I feel controlled, I get defensive. No doubt some childhood wounding there, but when someone’s goal is to “evangelize” me towards any “product”, it’s when I do the least well at conflict.
What “disarms” me is your point number 5. I can smell an assumption a mile away, but when someone approaches me with questions that helps tremendously. I even do better when someone makes an assumption in question form, because then at least they’re interested in my answer, like, “Why did you change Kids Church when you KNOW it doesn’t need to be?” I can work with that
. I know you all were hoping to read my journal today, so there you have it.